From Feb 26, 2008

I believe that much, if not all, illness is a physical manifestation of psychological unrest.  I can say this, having caught some sort of virus, that what I needed– and finally reluctantly gave myself– was a break.  A break from my responsibilities, my constant movement.  I needed to stop and to be still.  To allow my natural resources to find balance again and replenish itself.

At first I felt extreme guilt and agitation… and rationally, I realize that these emotions were not helping the healing process.  After much thought, and a seriously hot, long, bath, I found my center again, and have begun feeling emotionally better about taking today off from everything.

With the emotional tethers let loose, I am now able to focus on allowing my body to recover.

From Feb 23, 2008

Last week was pretty grueling!  I took a four day weekend for President’s Day, so that I could get completely prepared for my Organic Chem exam this week.  O Chem is going to be fairly challenging this semester,  so I’m VERY relieved to have only taken the O Chem lecture and lab and to be doing research. Thank GODDESS for having the wherewithal last December when I signed up for classes this semester to have not loaded up on schoolwork again– last semester was sufficiently crazy-making.  I’m pretty sure I learned my lesson.

A four day weekend should have been plenty of time to get ‘er all knocked out and compartmentalized in this here brain, but we had the kids, too… and they were sick all weekend.  Grrr.  This meant that while I *did* take the time to study, it was interrupted at times, and I still had other things to do… like laundry and help blow boogery noses and stuff.   Is it worth it?  Absolutely.  I love having booger noses in my life.  They say cute things and it’s neat to watch them learn and grow.

O Chem exams are interesting.  They’re too long to take in one class period, so the instructor is breaking every exam into two periods.  Which means an entire week (okay, a Tuesday and a Thursday) of brain draining gruel instead of just one day.  Weeeeeee.   It’s okay, though.  It means that whatever he didn’t put on the Tuesday test, he’s going to put on the Thursday test.  Frankly, I was surprised at how easy the test was.  I knew what the hell was going on– a GREAT sign considering that last semester there were a couple of times I sat down to take his tests and looked at the first page and was like, “Daaarrrr.”  What the eff?  Had he even talked about this stuff?

The good news is that I got a B.  A nice, solid, hard core B.  And I didn’t feel like I had done everything I could to prepare for the exam.  Now I know better about how I’m going to treat this semester– and that means spending copious time working on the examples he gives us… reading the text book (I know, what?!), and becoming a professional molecule maker.  Yes… indeedy.

I’m through the first exam of the semester, and I can tell you that overall, everything in my life is going very well.  My home is beautiful and warm and filled with harmony and joy.  I love my job IMMENSELY.  I have enough to eat, enough money to handle the bills, and enough of really everything I need.  In speaking of money, and all things, ultimately, I’m learning to halt my worry process before it starts flying out of control.  I’m a great worrier.  I have tendencies to worry about EVERYTHING.   Which makes for a pretty neurotic life.   In the last few years, though, in my ups and downs, I’ve realized (had an Aha! moment, rather) that worrying doesn’t fix anything.  It doesn’t make any of the worrisome things go away, and it certainly doesn’t solve the problems.  This being said, I’ve decided to stop worrying.  Life is too short to worry, and shit is going to happen whether I worry or not.  I’m living a solid life.  I am honest, and hard working, and kind.  Everything that I can control, I do.  Everything that is simply outside of my control will take care of itself on one level or another.

This may sound an awful lot like just being a casual observer of this experience.  It’s not.  With the energy I’m not using on worrying, I’m thinking about what I DO want.  I’m amazed, too, just how much energy is freed up by not worrying.

Our minds are a lot like computers in this sense.  We only have so much capacity to think about things… we can give things varying levels of focus– for instance, while driving, the road and what the other vehicles around you are doing is where all your CPU energy should be going.  If you add worrying into your equation, your list of active processes, you are only taking away more energy from the things that truly deserve your energy… like the things you WANT rather than what you don’t want.

In saying this, it’s is important to recognize that you can’t completely ignore the things that you don’t want… because ignorance doesn’t make a problem go away.  Not worrying about my O Chem test doesn’t mean that I can get away with not thinking about studying the material, only focusing on wanting to ace the class, and then not do anything about it (and then, of course,  not act surprised when I don’t do well on the exam).  Not worrying isn’t the same as being lackadaisical.  Not worrying does not equate not acting.  We DO have the responsibility of handling the problems.  But we have a whole lot better result when we think clearly, unemotionally, not worried about something.  Worry implies on many levels that you fear for the outcome.  This is the difference.

So, yes, life is going well.  I’m continuing to learn about myself, and I do so every day.  I know that NOW is yet another time for me to be the student from this experience, which is good, because I want to learn everything I can.  This life is very short, and I’ve discovered I know relatively nothing.  Life has a way of cycling like this… student then teacher, then student then teacher.  It’s a wheel.  Now I learn, and then later I spew it all forth for you all to read and then maybe learn some, too.  *wink*

At some point, I do want to talk with you all about this book I’ve been reading, but I think I’m going to have to save that for another post.  There’s SO much to this book, and I don’t know that I want to deviate that far off track from the point of this post.  Anyway, the book I’m reading for leisure (yay for reading for leisure!) is teaching me all kinds of stuff about our ancient religions and the Goddess and… sheesh, I better not get into it now.

There’s your update.  Sorry I haven’t posted much this week… but by now I’m sure you all understand why!

From Feb 22, 2008

Letting go… it’s a bittersweet.

It’s the fine line between “Is this relationship worth it to me?” or “It’s not worth it.”

If it’s worth the battle, you should battle for it, no?  If it’s not worth it, you cut your losses and move forward.  Is the behavior observed within the Final battle more valuable than all the previous behaviors from before, when you were getting along fine?

All of these decisions.  All of these losses…

I’m reminded of how joyous a reunion between old friends can be.  And reminded of how painful it is to initiate working things out in order to discover that the other party is completely unwilling to come to an agreement.  Something was said or done that was SO hurtful that one party can never forgive it.  Or forget it.  Decreases the value of said relationship.

How does one take a temperature gauge when you never communicate with the other person(s)?

Ultimately, what one must determine is how much energy they are willing to give it.  Do you think they will be willing to rehash things until there’s a blank slate? Do you want to give that much of yourself to do the same?

How would one even begin to approach the breeched confidence?

From Feb 15, 2008

Watch me

It’s amazing how I have been able to pick up just the right book for just the right time in this life. I’m currently reading The Great Cosmic Mother, which is a history book on religion and women in religion. It talks about ancient beliefs, ancient worship, ritual, and idolatry. The underlying theme is that history forgets to include the dramatic role women played in religion, and that much of today’s patriarchal religion is to blame. It was an intentional omission– one that would ensure that those who have come to be In Charge remain In Charge. (conspiracy theory part a)

Along with the synchronicity in the things I’m reading and learning about, I’ve found that the simplest “coincidences” have left me astonished. For instance, in my recent reads, I have seen a general repeating theory that time as we understand it has a dramatic change on December 21st, 2012. Some call it the end of time, some call it a great awakening. As of yet, I’m no authority on the subject, but I am going to give you a tiny glimpse of what I’m learning, in layman’s terms. (conspiracy theory part a2/b)

Apparently, the Mayan people had calendars that ended on this date. Nostradamus and several other prophets predicted this as the end of the world. Astrologists have noted that in cyclical fashion, the planets all line up just so on this date. Notably, this is the winter solstice. (conspiracy theory part b2)

In the video I recommended you watch, they mention that there are phases of our existence, and this date marks the end of our current phase, which is the building up of technologies. By this time, we will have supposedly exploded in the realms of technology so dramatically, that we will have forgotten where our roots are– our pagan (of the earth) history. (conspiracy theory part a3/b2)

In many ways, we already have come this far. Our media overflows our brains with meaningless drivel. We have lost touch with the spiritual ways, with our own magical powers. In fact, we’re so far gone that the logicians within us will say, “Poppycock! There is no such thing as magic!” and at the same time have no way of explaining miracles, coincidences, or the phenomenon of right thinking. (conspiracy theory part b4/c)

Could it be true? I’m not someone I would consider a conspiracy theorist, as much as it might sound like it in this post. I would rather find myself in affinity with open-minded observation. A true scientist in that I want to test every possibility until I come up with sufficient enough evidence to support one (or more) theory which will then resonate true within me.

When faced with the ambiguous December 21st, 2012 prophecy, I wonder how much and to what extent this might be true. If I believe it thoroughly, do I change how I act? Do I change my goals? Surely I won’t even be through medical school by then? What is my purpose if it all ends? Inevitably, I know that there is no point in changing that path for myself. Ultimately, in coming to terms with my own mortality, I have realized that we always have plans– and short of postponing happiness until we reach our goals, there are no wrong ways of going about reaching them– even if we never reach them. I used to imagine the horror and sadness of what would happen should my life be cut short… Oh sad, she was working so hard for her dreams. She was going to be a doctor. (And in my head, I’m saying the word “doctor” much like Audrey did in The Little Shop of Horrors, when addressing her abusive, sadistic dentist boyfriend.) (conspiracy theory part d)

The point is, I can’t change my plans, even for something as major as the end of the world. If it doesn’t happen, then I would be wasting my life. I would be sitting around, chatting doomsday conspiracy, and trying to figure out how the hell to repay my student loans. No, I can do nothing short of plugging away at the things I value most… my education, and learning from my experience.

So, let’s say something dramatic does happen on December 21st, 2012. Do I forgo Christmas gifts and buy drinking water? We all did this in preparation for Y2K. (conspiracy theory part y) And we were left with loads of canned goods and bottled water, much to the dismay and pride of the computer industries. It’s seemingly all hype, something dramatic to talk about. How does one really prepare for the end of the world?

I’m not sure that one truly can prepare for such things. Let’s say the planet’s magnetic shift really does happen– theoretically based upon evidence of magnetic pull of the other planets in our system. If we’re in an airplane, out side of gravity’s grasp, then what? We aptly dodge all of the billions of things that lift from the face of the earth, praying we somehow miss everything– in hopes that the plane’s engines don’t clog with a suffocating fog of dust and trash and pollution currently held into our world through the force of gravity? And how do we ensure that we, too, won’t fly out into outer space, pummeled by people and dogs, who are hopefully by this time dead from suffocation and the change of air pressure in their brains? Splat. (eeeeew) (conspiracy theory part e)

Do we fly to the moon and wait and watch for the show? (conspiracy theory part f)

Do we hunker down in underground caves, hoping Gaia’s transformation doesn’t crush us in the process? Do we cling to a tree, at our wits end waiting until things settle down? (conspiracy theory part f2)

Really, it seems to be a moot point in worrying about it.

Now, let’s say this whole prophecy is rather spiritual instead of physical. Do I choose some religious organization to save me? Do I convert to Jehovah’s Witness identity protection program and pray to Jehovah for forgiveness of my heretic thoughts? My right-thinking mind? Do I go back to my Lutheran roots, even if they just don’t feel right for me? How about worshiping the Goddess and performing pagan rituals? Is there anything I can actually DO or THINK that would save me? Or, rather, in this context, my soul? (conspiracy theory part g)

I’m not sure there is an answer. There isn’t really more than a theory of what will happen, and until it happens, I’m not sure I can be prepared for such things. In fact, I may celebrate 2013, looking back at such silly wonderment over how greatly or how little I bought into the End Of Times. It would be somewhat similar to my experience over Y2K, though I’m older now, and considerably less intoxicated. Maybe I will laugh harder, then. (conspiracy theory part z)

Anyways… as I was saying, the synchronicities are becoming more and more frequent within my experience. I intend on embracing these “coincidences” and not taking them too lightly. I, too, am on my own quest for knowledge, for truth, and for my own connection with the great mind– perhaps in my own way seeking the enlightenment that would allow for further prophecy. In so many ways, though, while I know I want to know the “truth” I recognize that the truth is different for every individual. Perhaps this is the key to philosophy– it’s subjective. Perhaps this is the key to prophecy– it’s subject to interpretation through the various lenses of personal perception. Every great prophet has predicted something that can be interpreted based on the events of today’s people. It is like a game of telephone or an obscure puzzle where people try to find meaning in dramatic experience (ie 9/11) by looking to yesterday’s wise men for answers. (conspiracy theory part z2)
Everyone, in their own right, is also seeking “truth.”

So, what is the truth? What is MY truth? I am not entirely certain of it (yet). I do have a few solid beliefs that are currently my truth– subject to changed based on my mood, what I’ve learned recently, and whom I’m surrounded with. One thing that is absolutely truth is that what I think about, I bring about. I have full responsibility of my experience, as do we all. So if we all believe this… (conspiracy theory part a4)

Well, then, couldn’t we change out December 21st, 2012 affects us? (conspiracy theory part a5)

From Feb 14, 2008

http://www.vaildaily.com/article/20080214/NEWS/972891293

I found this article on the above Vail Daily (news) website. I think it’s really important that you read it! I’m amazed that this is going on– and has been in the process of being addressed since NOVEMBER. (see the letter from the EPA) I feel like our media is a puppet show. Here, pay attention to Britney and Angelina and car accidents while this is going on behind the curtain! Grrr!!

For those of you not familiar with Leadville, this should give you some perspective. Leadville is clustered in between some of Colorado’s greatest ski resorts. It lies 20 miles south of Copper Mountain and 40 miles southwest of Vail, 15 miles west of Fairplay, and about 30 miles east of Aspen. I’ve put my notes/references in red.

February 14, 2008

LEADVILLE, Colorado — The pool of contaminated water trapped by the collapse in the Leadville Mine Drainage Tunnel is an immediate threat to the lives and well-being of Lake County citizens, according to the Lake County Commissioners.

“Citizens, it is not our goal to cause panic, but it is our goal to protect human health and the environment. Lake County residents and the citizens that live in the Arkansas Valley Watershed are faced with an imminent threat that cannot be ignored anymore,” read Lake County Commissioner Mike Hickman at a special meeting of the Lake County Board of County Commissioners on Wednesday.

With that, the commissioners declared a state of emergency in Lake County.

Per the Colorado Disaster Emergency Procedures Handbook for Local Officials, local officials may declare a state of emergency when the needed response to an emergency is at or beyond the normal capability of local government agencies, said Commissioner Hickman.

A blockage in the tunnel caused over a billion gallons of water of toxic acid and metal-laden water to form a pool at the headwaters of the Arkansas River, according to Commissioner Hickman. He explained that the water is now nearly 200 feet high and continues to apply pressure against the cave-in.

The Arkansas River, best known in Colorado for its beautiful canyons and amazing rapids– I’ve rafted on these rapids more times than I can count… We play in the waters, and it feeds into the Mississippi.

Given that the Denver Post recently declared snowpack levels in the Upper Arkansas Valley to be 163 percent of normal, spring runoff will only increase the size of the pool, he said.

“You must all understand that there is a potential risk of catastrophic failure…which could lead to a loss of life, and environmental degradation of the Arkansas River beyond anyone’s comprehension,” said Hickman.

In addition to their concerns about a potential blowout of the makeshift dam, the commissioners believe that some of the water backing up behind the blockage may be working its way underground and surfacing below the Yak treatment plant in California Gulch. Seeps and springs in California Gulch have recently popped up, and water tests in the gulch have found significant increases in zinc and cadmium, say the commissioners.

Zinc toxicity has been associated  with circulatory and gastrointestinal disease. Cadmium toxicity in water has been associated with heart and kidney disease. (Not to mention the damage to our environment should our waters become toxic…)

The increase in contamination in California Gulch corresponds with an improvement in the quality of the water coming through the tunnel (pre-treatment). In short, contaminated water that should be treated at the tunnel’s treatment plant may instead be flowing straight into the Arkansas River, via California Gulch.

This situation poses a potential threat to the Leadville public drinking water supply and all water sources downstream, say the commissioners.

Is anyone even SLIGHTLY disturbed by this????? Contaminated drinking water and water sources downstream!  Yikes!!!

The tunnel was built by the Bureau of Mines during World War II in order to de-water mines for the war effort. It was later sold to the Bureau of Reclamation, and for years it continued to collect and drain acid mine drainage from Leadville mines. After long negotiations between the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency and the Bureau of Reclamation, a lawsuit by the Sierra Club prompted the construction of the tunnel treatment plant, which opened in 1992.

The plant is supposed to treat the contaminated water coming through the tunnel — but if the water cannot flow through the tunnel, it cannot be treated.

Community concerns
At the special meeting, several members of the Leadville community spoke of their concerns regarding the tunnel. Greg Teter, the general manager of Parkville Water District, noted that he was particularly concerned about the possibility that some sources of public drinking water could be contaminated. On a scale of 1-10, he said, his concern ranked as a 10.

“It’s the biggest concern I’ve had in 30 years.”

Okay, at least one person is concerned…

Debbie Turner, who owns the trailer park below the mine pool, spoke of her worries about safety for the park’s residents. “Well, since I’m at ground zero, I guess [my biggest fear is] being smashed,” she said.

Jeff Foley, Lake County’s Emergency Manager, spoke of Lake County’s inability to respond to a major disaster. Though Lake County responds to day-to-day emergencies well, he explained, its response capabilities max out in the first 12-24 hours of a major event.

“It would exceed our capabilities,” he said of a tunnel collapse.

Hickman compared a potential tunnel failure with the 1976 failure of the Teton Dam, also owned by the Bureau of Reclamation. He blamed the 1976 disaster on the Bureau of Reclamation’s failure to properly inform the public.

Read here about the Teton Dam failure…

He worries the Bureau of Reclamation is repeating its mistake in Lake County, he said.

Although the Bureau of Reclamation has admitted the tunnel is blocked, and taken some action, their response has been inadequate, Hickman said.

“We are appalled to report that Reclamation has never enacted the emergency action plan beyond draft form, has never practiced evacuation procedures with the public, and has failed to test the public address siren system each year to date,” he said.

Outside help
The Lake County Commissioners may be voicing the loudest concerns, but they aren’t the only ones working on a solution. The EPA has been worried about the collapse in the tunnel for years, and it has even gone so far as to draw up plans for a potential solution. On Nov. 8, Robert E. Robert, Regional Administrator for the EPA requested, by letter, that the Bureau of Reclamation immediately address the potential risks presented by the situation at the tunnel.

(see above link at the beginning of this article to read this letter)

Leadville’s congressional representatives have recently become involved, as well. On February 4, 2008, Senator Ken Salazar wrote to the Bureau of Reclamation, expressing his concern that the Bureau of Reclamation wasn’t fully cooperating with the EPA or the Colorado Department of Public Health and the Environment.

Sen. Tom Wiens has written a letter expressing his concerns about the tunnel, but he has not yet sent it out.

Here’s how you contact Tom Wiens.

But thus far, no action has been taken on the matter.

However, by declaring a state of emergency, the commissioners hope to arouse some aid within the week.

“Truly, what we’re trying to do today is prevent bad things from happening,” Olsen said.

It seems totally insane to me that this isn’t a bigger public concern.  Why are there car accidents on the front page of the news when we could possibly resolve this problem by addressing it?  Why are we allowing ourselves to be distracted?  Because we think we can’t make a difference? Isn’t that the thought which prevents all revolution?

Or EVOLUTION?