From Apr 30, 2008

It’s completely pointless to wonder if you’ve chosen well.   Pointless to query whether the decisions you’ve made were an accurate reflection of the things you wish to represent you.   The facts of the matter are that there are NO right or wrong decisions, and that everything we do is an opportunity to experience this life– in the highs and lows, in the hopes and dreams and everything that is magnificently interwoven within the short time we have here on this planet.

I’m so fucking exhausted.  Emotionally, mentally, philosophically, spiritually, physically.

These are my choices, though.  This is the path I’ve ventured down and I’ve no desire to move backwards, by any means.  You don’t turn around every time the terrain gets rough.  You either find a way across the terrain or you find a new path.

I’ve no interest in finding a new path.

I just have to get past this sketchy spot– this gap in the road where I must fearlessly dangle or else fall down.  I am Rockstar.  I don’t fall down.  I may gracelessly fling myself at the other side, but I most certainly DO NOT FALL DOWN.

There are so many lessons I’ve gathered.  So much time now to sit down and reflect on them.  Analyze them, take from them my understanding of how my actions created the domino effect that led me to where I’m at right this minute.

To be perfectly clear… I feel this way every year during this time in the semester.

I feel drained.  I’ve seen this pattern in myself.  This is the time of year that I start going to the doctor asking, “WHY am I so exhausted?”

Well, let’s see here, Ash.  What could you possibly be doing that makes you exhausted???

*thinking*

The definition of insanity is to continue repeating the same behaviors– yet expecting something new to happen.

Is there truly something I could do differently that would make me less exhausted yet still maintain my Rock Stardom?

Ideally, I would like to have less on my plate.  I’m ready to settle down.  To lessen the force I put upon myself.  To not aggravate the stress fractures within my stable Rock Starness.

Apparently, though, I enjoy pushing myself to the brink of breakdown.  I want to see Just How Far I Can Go.

Fuck that.  It’s insane and…

Well, it’s me.

I’m totally an overachiever.  I guess I just get bored and have to take it to the next level.  Every damn semester.

So, either I LIKE feeling this way, or I’m crazy.  One of the two.  Either I’m doing it because I’m addicted to feeling exhausted, or I am the definition of insanity.

Great.

Put that in your pop can and smoke it.

From Apr 30, 2008

It’s good to take some time to come back to terms with myself.  Good to examine and evaluate.  To focus on me.
My relationship with myself is possibly the most important relationship I have.   And sometimes the easiest to let slip away.

I am so very thankful for the opportunity to learn and experience emotion.

Without the pain and fears, I cannot truly appreciate my highs.

There are so many core relationships I’ve had that have touched me so deeply.  And with every turn and every inch forward I move, I take those along with me.  Whether those lessons are accompanied with the person in real life, or only within memory, I retain them.

After all, it is not the person that I am clinging onto, it is the memory of what I experienced that continues.

From Apr 27, 2008

Okay, I feel SO much better now.

A phone call from my guy, and a suggestion that I stick with what I know: sammiches.

I can’t go wrong with what I KNOW how to fix.   And the kids will eat it.

I’m a professional sammich maker.  Good whole wheat bread, sliced cheddar rather than American, whole tomatoes, sliced meat from the deli, apples, strawberries…

Healthy and edible.  NOT terrible.  Yay!!!

I also picked up some stuff that I can “cook” easily and quickly.  Stuff that *I* will eat, too.  We picked out pasta and broccoli and pasta sauce.  The kids helped me with that stuff, and they got to help pick the shapes of the pasta out.  I also picked up both kids a pair of flip flops to stay here because I know that they both really love wearing flip flops.  And I got some colored pencils, a package for each of them.  Those were a surprise and a real hit.

And, with reassurance that I can successfully feed them sammiches for every meal, and they will neither starve, become nutritionally deficient, nor refuse to eat it.

ALSO, a big key factor that I cannot ignore on these days alone with the kids is nap time! Yes, they don’t get naps at school, but school is structured, and therefore somehow easier to get away without napping.  But here, a nap time is essential.  They run around aimlessly, play when and with what they want to play, and are at whatever whim I’m at with regards to time management.

And with those simple (obvious) things in mind, I feel fabulous.  Wonderful.  Relieved.  And for that, I’m extraordinarily thankful.

From Apr 26, 2008

I’m a terrible cook.

I mean, I can feed myself.  But I have to feed the kids.  I made chicken noodle soup, using Grammy’s chicken broth.  And I used some tapioca noodles– something we had in the cupboard.

The first go around, I boiled the noodles too long and it ended up a goopy starchy mess.  So I decided to fish all the noodles out, and threw them away.   I boiled a new round of noodles. I put some corn in the broth.  I put the freshly cooked noodles in the soup.

I tried to serve it to the kids.  It wasn’t terrible.

They proceeded to tell me how terrible it was.

I lost it.  I mean, not outwardly.  I threw away the soup.  Cleaned up the kitchen.

I couldn’t not feed them dinner.  I mean, they’re just kids and they weren’t intentionally trying to hurt my feelings.

Luckily there was a can of some gross generic raviolis.  I heated those up, and they ate.  I know they knew I was upset, but they possibly have never seen a grown up on the verge of tears over something they unintentionally did.

A whirlwind of emotions swirled up in me… I went outside and cried.

It’s ridiculous, really.  I should be able to just play along, head held high.  Maybe if I wasn’t such an emotional wreck inside…

My mom called before dinner.  “Are you holding up?”

“yeah.”

“You don’t sound like you’re doing okay.”
“I’m fine.”

I don’t have any other option to be at this point.  She reminded me that I chose all of this.  That I chose to be in this position.  I’m really trying to remember that and to stay positive.  I’m trying to appreciate the beauty, and I refuse to be unhappy this entire time… that’s not healthy.  I also recognize my limitations.  And that I have chosen this and can ask for help.

This is a significant practice in discovering who I am.

From Apr 26, 2008

Um… Did you know there are seven types of plastic? Some are easy to recycle, others are not.

You may want to consider this as you encounter plastics on your day to day life.

You all may recall my reasoning for ditching my Nalgene (RIP my formerly beloved security blanket)…

Well, here’s something interesting to know. Not only can I NOT use my Nalgene because the BPA in it makes my PMS out of control, but plastics like that are extremely difficult to recycle. Hmm. Gives a whole new perspective to Tupperware, no? What other craziness are we getting from our foods?
Also, I recently learned that there is a collection of plastics in our ocean– caught there in a vortex caused by current streams in the Pacific ocean. You’ll be amazed to know that this collection is the size of Texas! Greeeeaaat. So the marine life, attracted to the colors of our plastic waste that blows in the air from land to sea, consume the plastic. If we’re just now learning about the dangers of BPA on humans… what about the dangers of the fish, birds, and other sea life consuming all this plastic? It’s pretty unthinkable.

In celebration of Earth Day, you might’ve heard that Whole Foods has stopped handing out plastic bags with groceries… and you may know that many grocery stores are talking about charging for plastic bags… well some good news is that we don’t NEED more plastic bags… and that you can take your plastic bags back to King Soopers, and put them in the recycling container at the front of the store. If you local grocery store doesn’t already have a plastic bag recycling stop, the way they’ll get one is for you to start asking about it!!!

We can prevent more plastic waste from blowing around the earth– and being consumed by the wildlife that doesn’t know any better about our wasteful death traps, by being the tiniest bit proactive. Hey, even a little change is better than none, right?