From May 29, 2008

Lately I’ve been feeling more sensitive to people’s lack of consideration towards me.

I don’t know if I normally don’t notice it, or normally don’t care as much…

But I’m cursing at people more while I drive.  I am acting more sarcastically than normal.  I’m inwardly blasting people for being rude to me…

I know *this* is not me.  *This* is not behavior I like…

And, well, if I can stop the behavior of smoking, I better STOP acting like this.

*sigh*

From May 29, 2008

As much as my bittersweet ambiguity has bothered me, I feel blessed to know I have the OPTION and the ABILITY to feel ambiguous.

From May 28, 2008

I picked up the kids from Grammy & Granddad’s today after work. I love those little boogers.

We came home, and between the three of us, we polished off the alphabet soup I made using Grammy’s homemade chicken broth and my old old old alphabet pasta. The kids liked it, and therefore I liked it. I treated them to ice cream afterwards… it’s the weirdest thing, Tyler doesn’t like chocolate… so, shhh, I let him have maple syrup on his ice cream while Kora and I had chocolate. I mean, really, is there THAT big of a difference between the two?

Then we ventured outside to see what we can do about the garden. I was given some plastic fencing, and I already had some T-bar. I bought a variety pack of plastic zip ties, which came in hot pink, hot orange, lime, yellow, and dark blue. I borrowed this massive hammer from the neighbor, got up on a foot stool, and started beating the hell out of the T-bar. Amazingly, I got it in the ground. And I got all four of them in by at least five inches. (You go girl!!)

Then I secured the fencing to the T-bar using pretty plastic ties. If it seems like this muther is going to stay erect, I intend on covering the dark green fencing with more colorful plastic and who knows what other sorts of decoration.

*grin*

Of course, my T-bar is crooked, and my fence isn’t perfect, but it’s on a hill and frankly I have no clue. If it keeps the dogs out, I’m going to keep it. And I WILL be taking pictures of the progress for you all as I go along.

Life *is* pretty good. There’s nothing like being outside doing stuff to make me smile.

That, and I have a job I love. I have beautiful happy healthy kids that I can enjoy without having to do all the hard work. Like birthing them and potty training. I get to teach them things about Life every minute of every hour I’m with them. And I’m amazed at what they retain. Tyler’s memory is absolutely incredible. He remembered what he was doing last year when he helped me plant my garden and was asking me about people that he hasn’t seen in nine months. Amazing. Out of sight out of mind does NOT apply with these two.

Tears silently roll down my cheeks.  I try not to get them in my mouth.

Sometimes it’s more difficult than I allow people to believe.

One side of me is positive, cheering myself on.

The other side of me is crumpled on the floor.

Twenty five more days.

And then what.

From May 25, 2008

It’s sort of bittersweet.  This is my all time utmost favorite time of year.  I spent all afternoon planting things… I planted flower seeds like “African Daisies” and Lavender.  I planted bachelor buttons and marigolds.

As for the plants, I planted two lemon thymes, a sage, and an apple mint.  Who knew there even was such a kind of mint?!

Tomorrow, I’m hoping to get my fence up around my garden. I don’t have the plastic ties, and I’m sure I’ll have to buy them.  I sure hope that there’s a housewares store that is open tomorrow!!

Marilee’s coming over, too, to help.

I’m downright giddy!!!  I cleaned up the flower garden and will have some totally beautiful flowers this year.  I laid out paving stones and other decorative stuff.  I pulled weeds from the front lawn, and was once again impressed by the varieties of dandelions.  Hell, there were things that would be really cool to keep because they look sort of yucca-ish, but as the mature, they’re something like a dandelion…

I got sunshine and my back is sore… It really doesn’t get much better than this…

But it’s bittersweet.  I’m doing this alone.  I’m without my love, and while I know I must stay busy, I’m still sad he can’t be here with me for this… He enjoys it probably as much as I do.

A little more than three weeks to go.

And counting.