From Aug 26, 2008

Okay, okay.

So this whole DNC thing has honestly gotten to me a bit.  There is a constant threat to my city– a city I realized today that I take a whole lot of pride in. The fear bug bit me.  I admit it.

Aside from the dramatic craziness that *could* happen upon us, there really hasn’t been a whole lot out there.  Yes, there have been protesters flooding the streets of downtown Denver, but it’s not been a whole lot different than any one of our parade-filled holiday weekends.  Only the parades aren’t necessarily parades, they’re political folks with signs and costumes and a possible arrest here or there.  And several leaders of these marches/protests are big names.  Woo hoo.  I know.

There were 13 anti-abortion protesters who were peacefully arrested.  That was pretty cool, I guess.  They’re trying to make a point, and I get that… but was it worth having a permanent black mark on their record?  Meh.  They’re not riding on the same horse I ride, though, so I guess I’m a bit ambivalent about it.

I kinda like that so many people are out there protesting.  I like seeing people who are able to express their political and religious opinions freely.  THAT’S why I love America– it’s the freedom to say and do what you need to do.

There has been a HUGE police presence, which sort of gives me the heebie jeebies.  Denver’s not like that.  There really aren’t that many police roaming the streets.  I know they have a purpose and all– and they’re doing a good job of holding their tempers.  I doubt I could do that.   Of course, there’s such a HUGE media presence as well.  Maybe that’s yet another piece of the puzzle keeping all these crazies under control.

Anyway, the pictures from today really were sort of inspiring.  Even if I don’t agree with half of the people out there (don’t even get me started), I do appreciate that they’re out there publicly supporting what they stand for.

Pray for peace in my city.  I’d be devastated for anything other than an uneventful convention.

From Aug 23, 2008

This grown up stuff is pretty cool.  Though it seems there is less quiet time in my day… (yes I used that correctly)

And less quiet time generally means less time to think.   Less time to sit back and reflect.   Less time to blog.

Of course, there are trade offs to this less business.  I have more stability.  More consistency.  More family.   And I dig those things.  A lot.

I find myself solving the world’s problems during my drive to work.  And yes, I have decided that I am going to drive myself to work, from work, and to class.  This means paying for parking.  And gas.  But it also means leaving half an hour to forty five minutes later every day, which translates into a little more sleep.  Of course, I can’t do my homework while I’m driving, and I don’t get the ‘opportunity’ to observe the crazies (which is great practice for an aspiring shrink), but I also have less to worry about when it comes to being trapped in a hot, sweaty bus at the busiest times of day.  It means not having to worry if someone’s going to force me to talk about their hardships and their life story.  It means not having to hear the teenagers talk about who they banged and what video games they heard were cool. It means not having to listen to overly loud people tell overly boring stories about underly real experiences.  Which is certainly nice.  And it means getting places on MY time, relying on MY ability to get me there when I want to instead of waiting for the bus driver to do what bus drivers do best: picking up the non-drivers from bus stops.  So in choosing to drive instead of the bus, I’m ultimately BUYING myself some time.  To think.

Unfortunately, I have too much time between my thinking time and the time I can sit down and type.  I suppose life has its concessions.

Lately I caught myself thinking about how beautiful this life is.  It really is everything I could possibly want from it.  I have my dreams, my goals, my career, my job, a family, an amazing man, and pets galore.  I have a huge house and my garden.  I live in a fabulous neighborhood and my neighbors are our best friends.  I have a good family, give or take a handful from various sides of it, and I have some pretty amazing friends that work where I do, which means I’m spending as much time with them as is humanly possible for someone who does as much as I do.

This morning, I think I calculated the formulas that account for quantum physics.   But I forgot these solutions mid-morning while dealing with one crisis or another– something somewhere in between rescuing a jammed paper from the printer and getting a child into the clinic just soon enough to have his pupil blow and be rushed into emergency surgery.  I know, it’s a vast continuum, but this is my life.

On the drive home today, I couldn’t make myself think.  I was in a vacuum of non-thinking, completely irrational mental un-well.  I’m pretty sure one could call it a panic attack though there was nothing specific I could attach this emotion to aside from “Please don’t let me pass out while I’m driving.”

My prayers often go unheard, though.  Not that I crashed out, or crashed for that matter… but when you eliminate a God from your beliefs, there’s really no one to hear your prayer.  Such is the life of a non-believer.

Anyway, the drive home was pretty excruciating.  My vision was getting dim, I couldn’t breathe, and it was nearly 90 degrees (F) in my car.  I would go through waves of deep breathing and surrealism.  I could’ve sworn that if I tried hard enough, I could wake myself up and find that I wasn’t in a car at all, but was home quietly sleeping.  Of course, if I really fell back asleep, havock would ensue because I’m pretty sure I went to work today and eventually had to drive home.  It’s hard to say, though, because I sure didn’t feel like the alert and defensive driver I’ve come to pride myself on being.

Some days, you can’t be perfect.  Have you ever feared that your generally mentally well being was a facade?

I suppose that this admission is nothing more than a further example that as you get older, you begin to accept certain things about yourself.  For instance, I have come to terms with the possibility that some days, I’m just plain crazy.  And this is not a bad thing, simply a part of BEing.  Maybe it’s womanhood, maybe it’s part of being human, or maybe it’s the drugs they release from the jets that conspiracy theorists lovingly call ‘contrails.’  Any way you break it, it doesn’t matter because I’m down with whatever and whomever I decide I am for the day.  The ins and outs and utterly devine sense of self-acceptance.   It’s a happy place to be.

Even when I’m freaking out about non-existing threats.  Whether they exist or not is a moot point.  What matters is that my body reacts like they all really do exist sometimes, and that is apparently fine.

The age of insecurity and beating myself up passed over a year ago.  It’s a loss of guilt and an acceptance of responsibility.  It’s the goodness of a dynamic personality comfortable with changing itself as I see fit.  Perhaps my little experiment here with life has become a bit messy, somewhat unorganized and essentially meaningless.  What I won’t let go is my ability to learn and adjust my theories as I gather more data.

From Aug 22, 2008

Home of the DNC… and other crazy nonsense.

I really love that I was born in this country.  Honestly, I do.  I’m supportive of the heroes who pledge their allegiance to our country.  Their hearts are in the right place.

But the rest of all this is horse shit.

We DON’T live in a democracy– at least not any more.  Our vote DOESN’T count, though it’s still my obligation to participate.  Our leaders are NOT picked based on popular majority, and having this circus here is only bringing fear to the heart of our city.

We’re getting ready for a HUGE performance– one where the stage is painted, the lights are flashing, and the homeless folks are being temporarily housed in hotels.  The main highway will be closed, the security is huge, and we have helicopters flying in between our city buildings preparing for the worst.

We have protesters promising riots.

We have passed urgent laws calling urine bombs illegal.

We have erected a new jail–just for the convention– in an abandoned warehouse.

Everyone’s all dolled up and ready.

From Aug 21, 2008

Someone sucked out the thinking parts of my brain while I slept last night.  Either that or it’s taking an unusually long time to wake up today.  I, like, can’t think.  Not even that my thoughts are racing, just that they’re not there.

*sigh*

Though I’m thinking a lot lately.  Maybe I’m on a self-induced break.  I suppose that’s good for me.

From Aug 19, 2008

So.  Where were we?

Okay, so did I tell you that I found out that I only have one more year before I’m done with my bachelor’s degree?!?!?!
*jumping up and down like a little girl*

That was pretty exciting news to hear!  And then after that, I have to finish a year of Physics, a year of Inorganic Chem, and a semester of Biology.  All of which can be done in a year, if I quit my job.  Right, so that won’t happen, but it *could.*

My mom came and visited us last week.  That was pretty exciting!  I hadn’t seen her in years, and she came out here while we had the kids.  She looooved the grandkids and made sure to specify that she was “Gramma Debbe” not “Grammy Debbe.”   Hee hee.  She doesn’t realize it yet (or maybe she does) but she just became Gramma in no time atall.   *grin*

My aunt Becky had a chance to meet Landon & the kids, as well.  Funny how it takes my mom coming into town to meet my aunt who lives basically down the street.  Well, a little farther than that, but not by much.  Everything went over beautifully.  No stress, no drama, no nothing of real interest.  Got to spend some time with my younger brother, too, which was interesting since he, too, lives just down the street– maybe closer than my aunt.  I’m apparently bad at this side of the family thing.  Maybe it’s because there’s always something dramatic going on.  Maybe I’m just coming up with excuses…  Probably the latter of the two.

School started for me last week.  I’m totally digging my classes.  The Honors class is going to be a tough one, but I’m hell bent on acing it.  I know I can, just need to figure out what it is that the teacher is going for.  So far I don’t really know, but every time I get a grade back, my eyes are opened just a tiny crack more.

Speaking of cracked, I need to avoid the vending machine this year.  It’s hard, because classes are right at the time I would normally eat dinner.  So I get hungry.  Just. Avoid. The. Machine.  I ate cupcakes tonight.  And it wasn’t until after I ate both (conveniently, I waited) that I read the caloric value.  Yeah, you know it’s not good when one package contains TWO servings.   Indeed.  It’s just a matter of good planning, really.  Must take fruit on school nights.  That way I can eat an orange. Or whatever.  Just no cupcakes, because I swear there was so much sugar in them that I was acting like I was on speed.  Not that I know what I’m like on speed, but if it’s me having to shake my legs at five hundred strokes a minute and all jittery, then the cupcakes were a pretty good comparison.

*stretch* Life is good, though.  I came home and Landon had the most yummer of all yums dinner made– fresh green beans from the garden, mashed red potatoes, carmelized carrots, and pork chops with jalepenos, garlic, and sage.  Yeah, you SHOULD be drooling now, it was THAT good.

Tonight we got the kids all ready for their first day of school.  They’re going to Bethlehem.  It’s a private school that was a competitor for the school I grew up in, only it’s in a good neighborhood, with great teachers and more money for the curriculum.  I am pretty excited for this as I already personally know the principal, my best friend’s in laws are both teachers there, and my favorite teacher in high school is now a seventh grade teacher there.  Basically, it’s familiar.  I don’t necessarily agree with some of their ludicrous God-things, but I’m sure as hell happier knowing the kids will be some place safe and getting an extraordinary education over being stuck in a thirty-kid-deep classroom here in Jeffco.  Not that I had anything to do with the decision, but I’m pretty tickled to know the ropes of the school before they even have their first day.

What other news is there on the home front?  Hmmm.  Life is very good, I’m very, very happy.  School is in session, and that’ll keep me focused.  More money for our household is closer than the horizon.  It’s all coming together.  I knew it would!!!