From Dec 28, 2008

Weather is damn near perfect today.

We just got up a few hours ago.  Slept in terribly late because we were out all night partying across the street with our best friends, Tina & Jon.  It was Tina’s birthday, and she had a little party.  There were five couples, I think… and the ladies sat around and talked while the guys played pool, threw darts, and played air hockey.  I made a new friend!!  It’s beautiful to find kindred spirits… and I found a good one!  I love it when that happens.

Isn’t it funny?

Landon’s in the kitchen, whistling along with his new Raconteurs CD, making chile rellenos for his Grammy.  I’m getting ready to throw another load of laundry in…  For a minute I thought of everything to do today, and I was THRILLED when I realized that I could scratch homework off of my list.  Hooray!!!

When I’m actually done with school, I’m probably going to be bored out of my mind.  I mean, how could one possibly get along with no homework after 15 years of schooling POST-high school!?

It’ll be crazy, and I’m going to love every minute of it.

From Dec 27, 2008

Today I focus on my beautiful, warm, happy, healthy, loving, calm and safe home.  I focus my energy on learning a smooth and focused ability to play my piano.  I focus my energy on being able to paint you a picture with my words.  I focus my energy on achieving my goals, allowing for challenges and continuing to plow through them with ease and delight.  I create a clean environment, free of clutter and easy on the eyes.  I focus my energy on my warm and affectionate partner in this life.  I focus my energy on raising two brilliant and amazing children.  I focus my energy on attracting people cut from the same cloth as we are.  I focus my energy on the comfort of sleep, and the entertainment from the fellow little creatures we provide for in this home.  I focus my energy on blessings and ritual.  I focus my energy on my reliable car that gets me from here to my job easily.

My life is beautiful.  It is easy, and energetic. It’s fruitful and aware. And there is plenty of time to get everything done that I desire.

From Dec 20, 2008

I’m an earth-loving, tree-huggin, hippie pagan.  I’m a life tasting, beauty appreciating, sensory-oriented human being.  I’m a kitteh cooing, animal appreciating, green-livin, lover of life.  I believe in psychic energy, the power of your thoughts over your experiences, and the ability to communicate via the mind.  I am a piano playing, homework doin, studious student.  I’m a science geek, am literature literate, and a math competent genius.  I’m a writer, and a poet.  I’m a garden growing, houseplant talking, conscientiously cautious driver.  I believe in the limits of the human body but still think you can heal yourself through prayer.  I’m a spell-casting, candle lighting, incense burning, rationalist. I’m a democratic, liberal-minded, fiscally responsible voting woman.  I value psychology, spirtuality, and chemistry equally.  I love anatomy and physiology and english.  I can read a book written in German.  I can tie friendship braclets that are both colorful and ornate.  I am convinced that eventually, after much empowerment and coercion, my pets will go get jobs.  My hands and feet are always cold.  I’m easily annoyed.  I’m a control freak when it comes to laundry.  And a lot of other things, too. I’m happy with me, comfortable in my own skin.  I would be happy to never have to brush my hair again.  As long as I have hair.

From Dec 20, 2008

I have had very little time to myself to sit and think.  Let alone to sit and write.

There’s a constant buzz and I’m concerned that I’ve temporarily lost myself.  How can I be that sexy beautiful creature I pride myself to being when I cannot think?  Ha ha ha.

Step-parenting is a lot of work.  I think it may be even more of a challenge when you go from having no children to having someone else’s children, because if you are a parent and you have your own children, you at least go through the process of carrying the child, getting used to the idea of having a baby, then the birth and infancy and all those crazy things I’m just as happy about skipping.

The thing is that this is the perfect avenue for me to be along.  I didn’t want to be pregnant or give birth to my own.  I get all the benefits of parenting without having to have gone through all of the hard parts.

Except that I’m still trying to figure it out.  I s’pose parents don’t know everything, and they, TOO, are only trying to figure things out.  And maybe I have more patience than parents because I’m fresh meat.  I don’t know where my lines or limits necessarily are, though,  except for those I’ve intended prior to placing myself into a parenting role.  Those that I had observed in others and either confirmed or denied my agreement with them… But those mean nothing until you have children.

I’m working on figuring out a few key behavioral problems.  Like how to make a child listen or do what you tell them to within a few minutes of you telling them to.

I know, it’s a big chunk to swallow.

I guess the key is consistency.  It’s sort of difficult to be consistent when you are unsure of yourself.

It’s sort of difficult to be sure of yourself if you have no clue what you’re doing.

But I *do* sort of have a clue.  I have a clue in that I’m text-book educated.  I’ve got the experience in that I’m around kids quite a bit, and I helped raise my ten-year younger brother…  I am very good with the kids, and that’s gotta be some sort of indication of having a clue, isn’t it?!

Whether or not I have a clue is probably a subjective question.  What I do know is this: I love these kids and love parenting them.  At the same time, and with the equal quality of passion, I miss my own time and the ability to think.

It gets easier to think after a few years, doesn’t it?

I’m just thrilled that we have such a great relationship with the kids’ mom and that we play the switch every week plan.  Because a week on/week off is a very beneficial arrangement for those of us who need a break once a week.

From Dec 19, 2008

It’s not about gifts.  It’s not about making sure you buy everyone something.

It’s about being with people you care about.  It’s about expressing love for the people you surround yourself with.

It’s about saying thank you and expressing gratitude.  It’s about family and friends.

It’s about my grandmother not having breast cancer.

It’s about health.

It’s about having a steady and reliable job and a car that gets you there.

It’s about having a roof over your head.  And heat coming from your furnace.  And lights and electricity so I can read and write.

It’s about getting through a semester and knowing you did exactly what you needed to do.

It’s about having food to eat and clean clothes to wear.

It’s about luxuries like showers and bubble baths.

It’s about free time to play the piano and the ability to learn Christmas songs.

It’s not about fighting the crowds in order to get the gifts you’re obligated to buy.

It’s not about making a list and checking it twice.

It’s not about the prettiest gift wrap or Christmas lights.

It’s about knowing that every day before you has hope to be the best day ever, and putting forth the effort to make that happen.