From Jan 5, 2009

I spent an ample amount of time doing just about nothing this weekend.

Phew!  I needed to take that little break from activity, too.  I realized this season more than ever that I’m exhibiting those elusive introvert mad skillz I’ve pruned into perfection.  I typically lie smack dab in the middle of the introvert/extrovert spectrum.  This year, I am introvert.  Especially after the holidays.

Thank goddess for two days of absolutely NO social time.  Minus the kids.  They’re social creatures.  They insist on talking to you as long as they are awake.  Of course, I realize that this need for conversation is directly linked to their lack of television viewing– there’s nothing to distract them and therefore they make believe and talk a lot.  And that makes me smile.  Even though it’s fairly annoying.

I was pretty tired there after the holidays.  Sometimes being around people that you HAVE to be polite with drains the juice out of me.  Perhaps it’s not that at all– maybe I just needed to rejuvenate after non-stop flying through the hours sorts of days.  In fact, wasn’t it just yesterday that I was dreading the approach of Christmas?  Fuck, I think I blinked and I missed it.  I mean, I have recollection, but now it’s already the second week in January.  Right?  Argh.

I do want time to fly by right now.  Of course, it’s beneficial for me if time does fly by because I’m becoming slightly impatient for my “Career” to begin.  I know, still have ten more years.  And that sounds like a LOT on paper (or monitor),  but frankly, time goes by so quickly that I’m not sure that I will have to hold my breath until then without passing out.  Just need to keep moving.  Life is exhausting.

At the same time, I’m betting that if I wish it to fly by, and it does, then I might feel somewhat guilty for not enjoying NOW for the very moment that it is.  It’s precious, NOW, but it’s just… not exactly where I want to be.

I take that back.  NOW is perfectly where I want to be.  If I could snap my fingers and suddenly be done with the next ten years, I’d not appreciate the experiences I will learn.

And to reflect, ten years ago seems like quite a long time to have accomplished.

Ten years ago… Oooh.  Here we go.  What was I doing ten years ago?  I had only recently graduated from high school.  I was working at the coffee shop, getting ready to quit my job there and start working at Nextel.  I didn’t know it yet, though.

My two best friends were Annie & Raine.  I lived with Annie in the apartments over off of Union & Alameda.  Boy what a trip that was.  Always interesting, that’s for sure.  I hadn’t turned twenty-one yet, and I was still seeing Eric.  He was my first love.  In fact, if I recall correctly, I had only recently lost my virginity by then.  Yep.  That’s about right.  So, I was working at The Glory Cafe and Johnny’s Espresso Cafe.

What I didn’t know was that just a few months later, my childhood life was going to be over.  I was going to get my first real job, experience my first real heart break, and make the third of what would be a number of moves into a new living situation.  Change was a’coming.

Ten years ago was the beginning of a new era for me.   Ten years from now will be the beginning of yet another era.  Perhaps as I speak, this current moment in time is the beginning of another era.  I’m guessing that last year was technically the beginning, but since time flew by so quickly, I’m just now beginning to pick up the rhythm and set my pace accordingly. Becoming a member of an actual real immediate family will do that to you.

Since I’ve just decided that this is my next ten year era, I think I will name it.  At first I was thinking that The Decade of The Parenting and Being Someone’s Woman would be a good name for it.  But now, I think I’ll name it something more personal.  Maybe I’ll call it Rodrigo.

From Jan 1, 2009

I didn’t make any particular new year’s resolutions.

I would like to get rid of the junk that’s piling up on the side of our house.  And I’d like to get rid of the extra stuff we have lying around.  Slowly, I’m doing this.  But sometimes slowly just isn’t fast enough.

I’d like to finish the bathroom remodel.  And get the dresser that’s in the garage moved up into Tyler’s room.  I’d like to… God there’s a lot of things I need to do.

School begins in three weeks.  Fuckin A Batwoman. Today, after finally falling asleep at 4 AM whilst the party attendees we were with played Guitar Hero from about… oh, 9 PM until 4:30 AM, and then waking up several times on the air mattress we slept on, then arising at 9 AM so we could get headed back home… well, today’s not the day to really be thinking about all of the energy-hungry things I need to do. (Did I mention that I despise video games?  At least I saw my AmberLotus and met a few fabulous people!)

I wrote an update status on FB saying that I hoped 2009 flies by as quickly as 2008.  I’m not mad at 2009 and I do plan on enjoying it, but frankly, I am super stoked to have earned my BA.  And yes, there will be more schooling after that.  Much more.  But at least then I will have a piece of paper saying I spent the last 4-5 years actually doing something.  Hehehehe.  I know that sounds silly coming from me.  I’m ALWAYS doing something.  But f’rillz.  I need that official paper.  Stat!  Put the damn certificate on my wall, baby.

Otherwise, 2009 will be absolutely amazing.  Frankly, I’d be glad if this whole winter season flies by and then Spring and Summer dragged on forever– but I know better than that.  Spring and Summer are high energy seasons for me.  They are beautiful, green, and warm.  But Spring and Summer times are when I’m busy from dawn until the wee hours of night.  Something about more daylight.  I love that part of the year!!!

2008… now what an interesting year of growth and learning.

I don’t want to look back on the hard parts.  Ohmygoddess they were difficult to get through.  Very, very blue.  At the same time, the good parts were amazing, wonderful.  My life changed dramatically in 2008, and I’m pleased at the way things have turned out.  I picked a wonderful life to enjoy.  I couldn’t have done it any better.

I learned a lot about step-parenting.  And about living with my partner.  And both are actually pretty simple, and completely rewarding.  There wasn’t a single fight or argument or even heated debate between Landon & I, and that just reiterates once again the beautiful choice we made in being together.    At first I wrote, “choice I made in being with him,” but that doesn’t really do the relationship justice.  Being together is a joint decision, and it takes work and effort and dedication from both people.  He and I both made that choice, and it’s absolutely exactly what we both desire.  And the effort is worth it, and frankly because both of us see it as being what we want, the effort is next to nothing.

That is the biggest part of the change in who I am throughout 2008 has been.  I became a partner (technically, I became a partner in the late parts of 2007), a parent, and have done well with even the most exacerbating challenges one could go through as a new parent or partner.  Of course I did… I am the over-achiever, Type A sort who has to do well on anything I put my mind to…

So… I guess as far as New Year’s resolutions go… Well, I think I should read my cards more this year.  And keep up on playing the piano.  And make sure I get enough sleep.  Daily.  And I’d like to focus energy on being a better behavioral example for the kids.  You know, grown up stuff.  I plan on getting the garden planted earlier this year.  And I plan on cleaning out the clutter.  And things of this nature.  Financially, we’re doing everything right in order to completely be on track, and that’s not so much a resolution as much as a way of life.

This last year was pretty amazing.  I’m not going to forget all the many lessons I learned.  This next year will be exponentially better, fantastically more enjoyable, and significantly less stressful.  So mote it be.

From Dec 28, 2008

Weather is damn near perfect today.

We just got up a few hours ago.  Slept in terribly late because we were out all night partying across the street with our best friends, Tina & Jon.  It was Tina’s birthday, and she had a little party.  There were five couples, I think… and the ladies sat around and talked while the guys played pool, threw darts, and played air hockey.  I made a new friend!!  It’s beautiful to find kindred spirits… and I found a good one!  I love it when that happens.

Isn’t it funny?

Landon’s in the kitchen, whistling along with his new Raconteurs CD, making chile rellenos for his Grammy.  I’m getting ready to throw another load of laundry in…  For a minute I thought of everything to do today, and I was THRILLED when I realized that I could scratch homework off of my list.  Hooray!!!

When I’m actually done with school, I’m probably going to be bored out of my mind.  I mean, how could one possibly get along with no homework after 15 years of schooling POST-high school!?

It’ll be crazy, and I’m going to love every minute of it.

From Dec 20, 2008

I’m an earth-loving, tree-huggin, hippie pagan.  I’m a life tasting, beauty appreciating, sensory-oriented human being.  I’m a kitteh cooing, animal appreciating, green-livin, lover of life.  I believe in psychic energy, the power of your thoughts over your experiences, and the ability to communicate via the mind.  I am a piano playing, homework doin, studious student.  I’m a science geek, am literature literate, and a math competent genius.  I’m a writer, and a poet.  I’m a garden growing, houseplant talking, conscientiously cautious driver.  I believe in the limits of the human body but still think you can heal yourself through prayer.  I’m a spell-casting, candle lighting, incense burning, rationalist. I’m a democratic, liberal-minded, fiscally responsible voting woman.  I value psychology, spirtuality, and chemistry equally.  I love anatomy and physiology and english.  I can read a book written in German.  I can tie friendship braclets that are both colorful and ornate.  I am convinced that eventually, after much empowerment and coercion, my pets will go get jobs.  My hands and feet are always cold.  I’m easily annoyed.  I’m a control freak when it comes to laundry.  And a lot of other things, too. I’m happy with me, comfortable in my own skin.  I would be happy to never have to brush my hair again.  As long as I have hair.

From Nov 30, 2008

I dreamt about my grandmother the other night.

My aunt Cecelia has been telling me for years that Heni, her mother, visits her while she dreams.  I have asked for this gift, and for a long time, nothing has come of it.

Just two nights ago I dreamt of her.  It was the first time I had seen her since she passed away fifteen years ago.  She was younger than she was when I knew her.  In this lucid place, she talked to me like I was her peer and not her thirteen year old granddaughter.  It was a sort of disturbing dream– we were at an amusement park and either the police or ICE were raiding the place.  She told me she didn’t want to go through this again.  We had nothing to hide, so I wasn’t afraid.  I tried to comfort her.  She may have had to go through raids like that in her childhood.  She was a young lady in Germany during the second world war.

She was a teenager when she came home from an extended absence.  She returned to find two (I think two) young American men occupying her family’s house.

She did what any young lady would do!  She began a relationship with one of them.  He would go on to propose marriage to her, and when his tour was over, her mother made her live up to her word and travel to America to marry this gentleman.   He would turn out to be my aunt Cecelia’s father, and though my father was the son of another man– the one Heni would truly fall in love with– he also raised Keith until he was seven.

These stories I’ve recently learned are quite amazing.

I wonder if one day my story will be passed along about me.  I wonder about their truth and accuracy.  I feel as though it’s my job to set the stories clear.