From Aug 31, 2009

“Ash, when we were on the way home to our mom’s, I saw a real live owl on the top of a house!”

“Oh yeah, Tyler?”

“Yeah!”

“I saw it, too,” says Kora.

“No you didn’t.   Well if you did, what color was it?”

“Pink.”

“There’s no such thing as pink owls.”

“Yes there are.”

“No.  There are black and brown and white and gray owls, but not pink owls.  Not real life ones.”

“Yes huh, in the olden days, there were pink ones.”

“No.  In the olden days, there were a lot fewer colors,” says Tyler, “Mostly… there were…”

And I’m agreeing with the boy so far, curious to hear what he says next…

“In the olden days, mostly, there were only black and white.”

From Jul 23, 2009

In silence, we find truth.

From Jul 11, 2009

It’s very difficult to write with children talking.

Hell, I find it difficult to write when there’s another person in the room.  My heart is so full of things to say, though.  I think plugging in this here iPod might make things easier.  As long as there are no children talking on it, then I think I’ll be alright.

So, where do I begin? …

I could give you an update.  But updates are rather boring.  To answer your questions, yes the garden is growing nicely, the kids are doing wonderfully, my honey is perhaps the most considerate and thoughtful person I’ve ever known, and I’m almost done with school.  Those are the things that are constants, and they’re terribly stable at the moment.

And I’m happy.  I am really, truly happy.  There are some not very happy things that have happened last week.  And I’ve cried more in the last week than I have in the entire last year.  And though I’ve cried and have felt afraid, I still have a strange serenity and a very obvious underlying sense of joy and hope.  There has to be hope.  It’s like taking a candle into a dark room.  Eventually, your eyes adjust and it doesn’t seem so dark and scary.   It’s ominous, yet you realize that the monsters in your closet are still conquerable.  They are still mortals.  And there’s no reason at all that I, or the ones I love, can’t beat them.

Cheers to Hope.  To Life and Living.  Cheers to Conquering the tasks that are placed before us, and coming back changed in a positive way.  Cheers to friendships and the people who make life worth it.  Cheers to the calm place we come to when we’ve exhausted all other options and know that where we are RIGHT NOW is exactly where we need to be.

From Dec 20, 2008

I have had very little time to myself to sit and think.  Let alone to sit and write.

There’s a constant buzz and I’m concerned that I’ve temporarily lost myself.  How can I be that sexy beautiful creature I pride myself to being when I cannot think?  Ha ha ha.

Step-parenting is a lot of work.  I think it may be even more of a challenge when you go from having no children to having someone else’s children, because if you are a parent and you have your own children, you at least go through the process of carrying the child, getting used to the idea of having a baby, then the birth and infancy and all those crazy things I’m just as happy about skipping.

The thing is that this is the perfect avenue for me to be along.  I didn’t want to be pregnant or give birth to my own.  I get all the benefits of parenting without having to have gone through all of the hard parts.

Except that I’m still trying to figure it out.  I s’pose parents don’t know everything, and they, TOO, are only trying to figure things out.  And maybe I have more patience than parents because I’m fresh meat.  I don’t know where my lines or limits necessarily are, though,  except for those I’ve intended prior to placing myself into a parenting role.  Those that I had observed in others and either confirmed or denied my agreement with them… But those mean nothing until you have children.

I’m working on figuring out a few key behavioral problems.  Like how to make a child listen or do what you tell them to within a few minutes of you telling them to.

I know, it’s a big chunk to swallow.

I guess the key is consistency.  It’s sort of difficult to be consistent when you are unsure of yourself.

It’s sort of difficult to be sure of yourself if you have no clue what you’re doing.

But I *do* sort of have a clue.  I have a clue in that I’m text-book educated.  I’ve got the experience in that I’m around kids quite a bit, and I helped raise my ten-year younger brother…  I am very good with the kids, and that’s gotta be some sort of indication of having a clue, isn’t it?!

Whether or not I have a clue is probably a subjective question.  What I do know is this: I love these kids and love parenting them.  At the same time, and with the equal quality of passion, I miss my own time and the ability to think.

It gets easier to think after a few years, doesn’t it?

I’m just thrilled that we have such a great relationship with the kids’ mom and that we play the switch every week plan.  Because a week on/week off is a very beneficial arrangement for those of us who need a break once a week.

From Dec 15, 2008

It’s official, having the kids is MUCH easier when I’m not in the middle of a semester.

I’m tired.  Mostly because I didn’t sleep well last night. That and driving on icy roads takes a lot of energy out of me.  And my head hurts, possibly due to the pressure that this storm brought in.

We bought the kids bikes for Christmas.  I’m pretty excited to give them their gifts!  We’re going to have to figure out how to squeeze in Christmas with them before Christmas– they’re at their mom’s for Christmas this year.  Eek?!

Life is good.  Life is so much easier when I’m not thinking about school and all of the things I have to do.

Of course, I don’t think I’d have it any other way than I do now… I mean, would I appreciate life as much when I’m on a break if I didn’t have the school to compare it with?